This past week has been a bit of a breaking point for me.
I have been struggling with depression for a long time, and a lot of anxiety problems that (usually) come with the territory for many other people. These past two weeks have been especially hard for me, mostly in regards to my outside life and stuff that as been happening there, and in how I view myself personally.
I had joined tumblr not expecting my doodles and weird ideas to garner much attention, but they did… I was extremely fortunate enough to get tons of support from people, asking me if I was considering going into art seriously? Do I take commissions? And I was really shocked to hear from a few people that I had actually inspired them to get back into drawing or maybe seriously consider art themselves. It made me feel very good, I really enjoyed those messages and I hope they keep pushing themselves to achieve their dreams.
Myself, however— I don’t feel up to it.
There was a point where these messages made me think, yes, I do enjoy drawing, I would like to draw and make a difference in this world. I would like to take whatever amount of talent people may think I have and use it for something good, so I continually tried to draw as many types of people as I could. I think variety is sometimes a really under-appreciated quality, especially in popular animation here in America— we aren’t exposed to very many types of people, notwithstanding the Disney renaissance maybe, or a few dreamworks movies from the late 90s— it’s hard. It’s a wide media problem where only stories of straight white people are focused on and everyone else is either sweeped under the rug or essentially a— not even secondary character I would say, usually just extras or left as “tokens” for the people creating the media to say, “well, look, we had one deviation from the norm right there, that’s good enough”
I don’t want people to settle for good enough. I was— I still feel very passionate about variety in animation. Representation in animation.
But, I dunno, these last few days have shown me how soft skinned I am. My intentions to draw something seen as offensive weren’t there, but intentions aren’t always what matters, if it makes someone uncomfortable, even a small amount of people, that still hurts me on a very real level. I was, and still am, very upset with myself for essentially accomplishing the opposite of what I had been trying to do— even according to maybe not the majority of people, I still feel like a failure and the whole thing really shoved me into a reality that I’m going to face now: I don’t feel up to continuing this blog, I don’t like the pressure of having so many people overlooking what I do, I don’t find drawing fun anymore, it’s not fun, I don’t feel like I’m helping anything anymore, and I don’t want to continue and end up hurting more people, so I’ve decided to stop cold turkey.
I wanted to be open about whatever mistake I made, which I honestly wasn’t aware of until it was pointed out— but being unaware of something doesn’t mean the problem didn’t or doesn’t exist, and I was happy to listen and be open about improving whatever problem anyone had with how I was drawing. I want people to feel comfortable telling me those kinds of things, I want to know when someone doesn’t feel good and I want to help when I can.
There was a completely justifiable ire that came with the criticism, I was never upset with the people who brought it up, and I’m still not. As I said, I was and still am just extremely upset with myself, that was the only person I was ever angry at. But the continued mock of who I was personally and the growing agitation I could feel someone else feeling directly against me— it’s just too much pressure for me. I felt and I feel absolutely terrible, it’s an awful and embarrassing feeling I really couldn’t handle, I’m not a strong enough person to handle, and I don’t want to hurt those people by continuing on this account.
I’m really glad I could provide people who enjoyed my drawings with whatever joy they got out of it, and I’m sorry I won’t be posting them on this blog anymore.
I’m moving, re-applying to a new college— I’m entering this phase in my life where I don’t want to deal with the stress that comes with tumblr fiascos. So I’m getting on a new url, to use for fun, and I’m going to focus on real life. Tumblr has drained me for too long and recent events were the only thing that really exposed me to how much it was draining me. I don’t want my life to revolve around a blogging website, ugh
Thank you for all the good times though, and if you want my new url, please ask! (Granted I won’t be on maybe as often, but in case tumblr might’ve been the only communication we had or something, it’s good to have)